Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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