The maid of honor just puked.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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