i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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