Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
