So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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