so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
