i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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