He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Soap is not a condiment
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.