I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's not a walk of shame if you run
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
