When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
