Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
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Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
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I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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