I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He has the fingertips of a God
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