watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't deserve a penis
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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