If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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