If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
