Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize