the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
And then he peed in my hair
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