upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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