Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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