im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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