my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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