Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
