i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
