At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
