Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
