I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
