she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
