Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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