i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
