this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
