now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
