I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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