i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just want to make out with him forever
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
