We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
