I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
