There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
