he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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