I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
