Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
