My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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