As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need a beard to bite.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
