I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
