so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
