Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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