Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
