I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What a dumb baby whore.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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