I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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