Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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