ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
