soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
